Don't Feed the Animals


He is horrified
November 25, 2009, 8:38 pm
Filed under: housewife diary | Tags:

Scott is home from work today, and while normally I’d make us sandwiches or something, I’m feeling too lazy/preoccupied to shield him from my normal lunchtime eating habits. Why continue to hide from the Internet? 

On the left, spicy hummus on a half-eaten Wasa cracker. On the right: Nutella on a half-eaten Wasa cracker. Multiply by five, and there you have it. Yum.

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How having kids is different than not having kids
November 24, 2009, 6:27 am
Filed under: Gage, Makes me laugh | Tags:

Without kids, when you go to the mall to have lunch you A) go to the mall and B) have lunch. Although, really, you probably don’t go to the mall to have lunch in the first place, as your dining companions probably aren’t the type to insist on the grilled cheese + yogurt combo at Panera. 

While you’re there, you don’t somehow end up at the other end of the mall, talking to some vendor of random objects, demonstrating just how it is that Rachet the Transformer transforms from robot to ambulance, pondering the miracles of modern toy engineering, and learning the names of each and every one of Random Vendor’s grandkids.

You don’t wander halfway back down the mall and then suddenly plop yourself down at a table (what is with these picnic tables in the middle of the mall?) and sit…………..there……………for like an hour, staring into the middle distance, losing track of all your plans for the future.

And you certainly don’t get into a super awkward impromptu photo session with Santa:

Wherein one of you looks like he might be struggling not to poop on Santa’s lap while the other one of you grits her teeth and thinks about surrendering to fate and letting the day take you where it will and also that scene in the movie American Beauty where that kid is video-taping that plastic bag swirling though an empty parking lot in a gusty fall wind and how the bag is A) hauntingly beautiful and B) also trash.

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Choke me in the shallow water
November 21, 2009, 1:05 am
Filed under: Makes me laugh, Photography | Tags:

I was reading an interview a while ago (I forget where), in which the interviewer asked some famous photographer (I forget who) (and maybe he wasn’t all that famous) what “questions” he was trying to “grapple with” in his work.

In case you don’t read many interviews with photographers, the typical answer to a question like this is something like, “I believe many photographers use light as a sculptural tool weighing images to a page. Their pictures do not deal with the ethereal quality of light, movement, and time, which is in constant flux. I capture this feeling by focusing on the action and subtle movements of my subjects…”  (I’m not making this up.)

This particular photographer, though, said, “Yeah, the main question I’m trying to answer in my work is What would that look like on film?”

Dude, let’s clasp hands and run into the sunset.

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Winterish
November 16, 2009, 9:45 pm
Filed under: Photography | Tags:

I love winter. Love it. Love it. 

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Family Feud Part 2: My priorities, his priorities
November 13, 2009, 6:11 pm
Filed under: housewife diary | Tags: , ,

Examples of my thinking:

  • If we don’t do laundry today, no one will have clean underwear tomorrow, which will likely lead to some really uncomfortable chafing, which in turn may possibly lead to a truly unpleasant family-wide emotional breakdown.
  • We should really bleach the kitchen sink before actual live organisms rise out of the slime, grab some kitchen knives, and attempt to kill us in our sleep.
  • Perhaps someone should feed the cat before he chews his own tail off. 

Examples of his thinking:

  • We need to put some bubble wrap on our downstairs windows soon, or else the neighbors will run out of things to complain about.
  • Although, actually,  priority #1 should probably be to take the truck out of the driveway and park it in the front yard, where it should clearly spend the winter.
  • No, screw that, I better just bang around in the basement for a while and act like I’m doing something. The louder I am, the more clear it will be to my wife that I’m a valuable member of this household.

 Go, team!

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Art Therapy Day
November 12, 2009, 9:36 pm
Filed under: Crafty | Tags: , ,

My kid went back to school today, so naturally my first move as a lady of leisure was to steal his glue stick.

Then, bless my heart, I made this collage.

Bingo collage

Now I’m just waiting for MoMA to call. Any minute, right? That’s what I thought.

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How are YOU honoring our veterans?
November 11, 2009, 9:38 pm
Filed under: Crafty, Gage

We started the day with a doughnut, after which we drove to the store to buy a new glue stick. What? Isn’t that what Veteran’s Day is all about? Doughnuts and glue sticks?

VDay--Gage at desk

Then I spent the next few hours completely disrupting Gage’s artistic process by trying to capture it on film:

VDay--Messing with his process

VDay--Messing with his process 2

Thankfully, he was finally able to ignore me long enough to put the finishing touches on his “alien pumpkin”:

VDay--Alien pumpkin

After which we made hummus:

VDay--Hummus

VDay--Hummus 2

And ate pretty much the whole batch standing over the Cuisinart. 

Then Gage started complaining about how tired he was and went downstairs to lie on the couch, where he’s been for the past hour—which must be his Veteran’s Day gift to me.

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